How to Buy a Fake Christmas Tree that Will Actually Bring You Joy

A koan I discovered on Facebook recently neatly sums up attitudes around the notion of Christmas trees more succinctly than I ever could: "Having a fake Christmas tree is like having sex with a condom (it doesn’t count)." While I’m grateful to this random person I used to work with over a decade ago sharing their thoughts on the age-old debate over whether or not a fake Christmas tree is a decent or suitable substitute for the real deal, I beg to differ. Setting aside any further sex metaphors for the moment, I’d argue that a fake tree can be better than the real thing, if you only know what to look for.

Coming to terms with the decision to forgo a real tree and its attendant fuss is a personal journey, and there’s no set timeline for how long it takes to come to that conclusion yourself. Once you’ve arrived, though, there are some things to consider that will make your decision feel like something akin to empowerment.

Do away with shame 

Though Christmas is not traditionally a holiday that I celebrate with anything other than perfunctory gifts, when I decided to become a Christmas Person a few years ago, I was struck with indecision, coupled with shame. Fake trees are not "authentic" to the holiday spirit, I thought, and having a totem made of plastic gestures towards a commitment to the holidays that I’m not sure I want to make. My childhood memories of Christmas are few and far between, but we did always have a real tree. The beauty of being an adult, however, is that you can make your own decisions and, for the most part, you’re the only person who must live with their consequences.

Deciding to go faux for one year isn’t a decree on the rest of your life—it’s a decision that can be reversed next year, or the year after, or never. It’s truly not that deep! Give yourself a few hours or a day to wrestle with this ideological question. Once you’ve settled, it’s time to explore.

Set a budget 

As it currently stands, where I live in Brooklyn, the going rate for a real Christmas tree of the size that would fit into my small living room hovers somewhere between $60 and $100. This fee doesn’t cover the indignity of walking down the street with said tree in my arms, assaulting passersby with its boughs and reenacting the scene in When Harry Met Sally where Meg Ryan drags a 6 foot Douglas fir up the steps of her beautiful brownstone apartment, alone. For those who live in the suburbs, where Christmas tree farms pop up in parking lots in strip malls, or near actual farms in the country, where you can cut the thing down yourself and strap it to the roof of your Subaru, your options are still pricey.

For an item that lives in your house for just a few weeks and eventually must be bagged up and dragged to the curb or the compost heap, it’s kind of a lot! Unfortunately, I’m here to tell you that a good fake tree isn’t much cheaper, but at least you have options.

In an ideal world, the best fake tree will look so much like the real thing that your guests will exclaim in surprise when they touch its boughs and feel plastic instead of needle. Those trees are not cheap— they’re an investment, much like a sofa, an occasional chair, or a new range for the kitchen. The idea is to have a fake tree that lasts beyond one season, and so if that’s what you really desire, you might have to spend some money.

National Tree Company makes trees that, according to its marketing copy, are so good that they fool Santa, and unfortunately, I am inclined to believe it. This 7.5 footer comes pre-lit, and is expensive, but if it’s the tree you’re going to buy and use for the rest of your days, then smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. Some other options that are slightly more budget friendly include this Stratford spruce, the style of which is a little less manicured and contains a little more verisimilitude. If you’re operating with a budget that’s less Champagne and a little more "$13 bottle of Chardonnay," then any good dollar store worth its salt will have a wide range of fake trees that, I’m sorry, do not look real, but are an okay starting point. (My tree came from DII, a hyper-local dollar store chain, and cost $14.99. It’s perfect.) 

The lights! The lights…

Your holiday decor is a great way to express your personal style, but if you’re the kind of person with an exacting personal aesthetic and the desire to control your surroundings so that they meet your vision, then the world is your oyster. 

This, of course, refers to a lot of things, but for the sake of this thought exercise, it applies specifically to lights. Many tree companies recognize that untangling Christmas lights is a nightmare, and so provide their offerings pre-lit. This makes for a plug and play experience, but I think detracts a little from the wabi sabi nature of a Christmas tree in general. The lights are usually interspersed throughout the boughs in a way that looks a little too precise, but if the idea of wrapping said tree in lights makes you want to scream, then by all means, don’t bother.

However, there are some people who take pleasure in tasks like untangling necklaces and balls of yarn; if you have this person in your life, or you are this person, then please continue to use string lights. There’s a pleasant joie de vivre to a Christms tree strung with lights that you did yourself, and if realism is your goal, then forgo the pre-lit options and have at it. Though it is nice to not think about fussing with the lights for an hour before hanging even a single ornament, it’s also nice to sit back and admire your handiwork. So what if there’s a clump of lights near the bottom of the tree that you couldn’t quite manage? It makes up for the fact that your tree isn’t real! Light a candle that smells like balsam and see if your great-aunt Roberta can tell the difference.

Hear us out… Color?

Perhaps you’re really ready to lean into the artifice and want to eschew anything resembling realism. Welcome to the world of colored Christmas trees. Pink is fun, though if you don’t do it right, there’s a chance your living room will look like a nursery. The same goes for any of the other colors in the tinsel tree spectrum, from blue to gold to whatever else, so proceed at your own risk.

The most classic option in this realm is a silver tinsel tree, which is only improved by a rotating color wheel pointed directly at it. There’s something kitschy and very retro about this; if you do it right, your living room won’t feel like the set of Mad Men, and will instead communicate a light-hearted insouciance to convention. And also, it’s fun. 

Do not throw away the box

Dragging your tree to the curb or tossing it in the compost bin sort of sucks, as does sweeping up pine needles and managing the indecency of a tree skirt. The beauty of a fake tree is that when the season is over, you can remove and store the ornaments, and then break down the tree in bits and pieces, tucking it away to rest for one year. While this advice seems like a very basic thing, I urge you to not throw away the box. You will never be able to wrangle the tree as neatly into the box as it was the first day you got it, but you will be able to get it in there by hook or by crook. If you’re unable to fit the base of the tree into the box it came in, set those pieces aside in a rubber tote that’s clearly labeled, and, crucially, store it near the tree itself. Please learn from my mistake, which caused me to spend an hour looking for the base of my tree, only to discover that I’d put it in the only place in my apartment that made sense.

If the box was recycled by an intrepid eco-warrior and is nowhere to be found, wrap that thing up using bungee cords, swaddle it in a tarp or some plastic sheeting, and toss it under the bed, in the hall closet, or a dark corner of the attic or garage. Label it clearly. Try to remember where you put it, and if you can’t or know that you won’t, make a recurring reminder in your phone that pops up the week after Thanksgiving that tells you where the tree and all its attendant parts are located.

Relax!  

Fake trees are the most low-stakes of Christmas trees, requiring very little except an imagination and enough space. If this guide has not thoroughly assured you that fake trees are the way and the light, and the siren call of a real tree is getting louder and louder, please, follow your heart. It’s Christmas! It’s your house, and by extension, your life. Do the tree that makes you feel merry and bright, but consider a fake one. 

Photo by ReMa / Getty Images